At A Moments Notice...

As I sat blank faced staring into the distance, I wondered quietly to myself had I made my life more complicated, more stressful, more toxic than I knowingly cared to admit. I thought about all the comprises I had made, to fit in, to stand out, to be whatever my parents, siblings, friends or anyone else who wandered into my life wanted or rather, expected me to be. I thought about those rare quiet times, when I allowed myself to truly be alone and still and at peace. I thought about the voice that usually followed, clear, calm and tolerant, wielding the same unrelenting question time and time again: "Why..." the voice would begin, "does any of this matter?"

When I was younger and without experience I would argue my point, eager to justify my madness, eager to make sense out of nonsense, eager to be right. At the time right was all that mattered, happiness or any facsimile of it wasn't as important. But what if--I wondered once again--all the choices I made about who I was and what I wanted were governed by me, and not by the whims of those I felt knew best? What if--and truly this was bold--I took my life back?

As the October sun began to set and winds of night pressed increasingly forward I realized what it was I needed to do. And though I knew many would look on in fear, and reason my decision radical, undoable and completely uncharacteristic of the man they had come to know and love, the decision nevertheless, had been made. And as I climbed into my car for the long trip home I said aloud for the first time what I had always been too afraid to say: I choose joy.